Splat
by CF-fanfiction
Summary: Because I couldn't think of a title. Or a decent summary, for that matter. Oh well...chapter 4 is up! And absolutely nothing is accomplished once again!
1. In which Shadow is OOC

Flower: Welp, I'm bored. And I want to write something funny for a change. COWER IN FEAR! Yes. Note: this is a sort of parody/random humor thingummy. Don't like, don't read. Or do. Who cares? Except for me? Well, anyway...here goes...

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Rouge, the first unfortunate character to be roped into this pointless story, was sitting in Club Rouge. She wasn't really doing anything, since the author has no imagination, and who knows what she does in her spare time anyw...

...ok, fine. She was staring at a...a Chaos Emerald. Yes. A Chaos Emerald that would be vital to the plot later on.

Anyway, she was sitting in Club Rouge and staring at a Chaos Emerald, when suddenly the door burst open with a huge clap of dramatic lightening and lots of rain and howling winds and the like.

Shadow stepped out of the storm raging outside, despite the fact that it was Summer and sunny not five seconds before, and walked towards her. Soaking wet.

"Uh, Shadow...?" Rouge said slowly, with a pointed look at the floor. Shadow looked down and noticed a rather large puddle gathering at his feet.

"Hmph." He said, in an attempt to be moody and in character. Then he folded his arms and did a bit of glaring aimed towards the puddle. Which was unaffected, funnily enough. Rouge busily examined her nails, which she had painted bright green to match the Chaos Emerald.

Finally, Shadow looked up again. (the puddle had sunk into the carpet, ruining the floor and probably causing hundreds of pounds worth of damage) His eye twitched painfully with lack of blinking - but it did, after all, add to the evil impression. Shadow noted this and resolved to practise not-blinking more often. Anyway...

"Rouge!" he declared dramatically, as if nothing had happened. Which, technically, nothing had.

"Hmm?" Rouge replied, leaning back in her chair.

"I...have a plan!" He struck a dramatic pose, ripped off from the City Escape finishing stance. Rouge drummed her fingers on the table.

"I am going to kill Sonic the Hedgehog, and take over the world! Because the author has run out of evil characters! And I look cool when I'm being evil!"

Rouge shrugged nonchalently. "Not unusual. How are you going to do it?" Shadow pointed a finger at her, and grinned OOCly, without breaking his pose. Rouge was mildly impressed.

"I need that Chaos Emerald!"

Rouge was immediately alert. She grabbed the gem and glared back - though not with as much force, of course, otherwise Shadow wouldn't look as cool as usual.

"No! Mine!" She screamed childishly, while stroking the gem gently.

"Pleeeeeeease?" Shadow asked, hoping that there weren't any video cameras around. Which, unfortunately, there were. Because it was a nightclub and the like. Despite the fact it was completely empty. God knows why.

Rouge was shocked back in-character at the sight of Shadow trying - and failing - to give her the puppy eyes, and sniffed haughtily.

"You can have it...if you bring me..."

There was a long suspenceful silence before Shadow caught his cue.

"What? Bring you what?"

"**The Master Emerald!**"

There was another long silence in which Shadow looked blank and Rouge reapplied a coat of green nail varnish. Finally, Shadow spoke.

"Why the bold lettering?"

Rouge threw the Chaos Emerald at him. "Because! Now go get it, fool!" Shadow slunk away into the rain, muttering darkly (he needed the practise) and completely missing the fact that he could have taken the Emerald there and then.

Rouge yawned, streched, and went to find her new make-up set.

Thus! The adventure begins. Sort of.

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Flower: Though it probably won't continue. Doing everybody a favour. Fwah. Reviews are liked, no, craved! It's a very rare disease. Sympathy please. Review review review!

Chaos: (falls over)


	2. In which Sonic is clueless

Chaos: Updating again. Already. Mwah. You'd better all love me for this...ah, only joking. I got REVIEWS! (hiccup)

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Sallytherabit - Well, I decided to continue. So sue me. (grin) You can write a separate version if you like, though.

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Prince Izzy - Or just Izzy. Anyway, glad you like! I'm not sure about writing humor, but parody seems easy enough.

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Kirbs - Have I freaked you out? Hahaha.

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NM - Well, I only updated it last evening. (sweatdrop)

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Toraneko - Thanks! I'll try to, but only if I think it's still funny.

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Sonicrules - Now normally I ignore pleads for reviews but...your story is actually really good. (thumbs-up) Now shuttup and read! No offense. o.O

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Sonic was relaxing in a sun-lounger at the beach. After the freak-storm of about five minutes ago, it was suddenly sunny again, and everything was dry. Convenient...and Sonic intended to take full advantage of it.

Just at that moment (Isn't it always the way?) a sharp voice cut into his thought...ok, mindless dozing.

"Sonic! Sonic! I have to tell you something!"

Now any normal person would have thrown the nearest sharp object towards the speaker who _dared_ to interrupt them. But not Sonic. No no - he was a hero, and expected to do the right thing.

He opted for his iced drink.

"Missed." the voice informed, and he sat up with a sigh, flipping up his sunglasses. The speaker - as he knew already, but you didn't, so I have to mention it - was Tails.

"What's up, Tails? Has Eggman concocted another plot to conquer the world, probably involving a large number of pointless stages and a couple of new characters?"

Tails looked confused as he tried to follow the conversation - Sonic was, naturally, a fast speaker.

"Uh...no?"

"Oh, ok." Sonic promptly lay down and flipped back his sunglasses, preparing to sleep again.

"Sonic!"

Sonic growled something in the back of his throat that wasn't suitable for the 'G' rating of this story, and opened one eye, wishing he had something else to throw. "Yes?"

Tails sighed, and resorted to an age-old tactic...

"Amy's coming."

Sonic was out of his chair so fast that he had time to retrieve his fallen drink and still grab his sunglasses before they hit the ground. He looked from side to side, noticing the absense of a hysterically screaming pink blur.

"I hate you."

"That's ok," Tails replied amiably, "But anyway. I have to tell you - Shadow's planning to kill you and take over the world."

There was a long silence not unsimilar to the one between Shadow and Rouge earlier.

"That's ridiculous. Everybody knows Shadow's a good guy now. Despite a touch of amnesia here or there..."

"No, seriously. He is."

"...no, I'm going to do the stupid thing and assume you're wrong." Sonic replied indifferently, casting a longing glance towards the sun lounger. Tails whacked him with a rolled-up newspaper he had bought on the way there.

What? Foxes like to be informed as well...

Anyway, Tails whacked him with the newspaper. "Sonic! Look, it's here in the news!" He unrolled the battered paper and held it up (Sonic's taller than him, you know) where there was a large black-and-white picture of Shadow.

Glaring in a very enviable manner, of course. Mmm...

The headlines screamed (well, not literally, though it would be cool if they did, hehe)

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Hedgehog decides to kill Sonic!

The paper was, of course, the _five minute news_, so nobody read it anyway, as it was prone to change every five minutes. (duh)

Except for maybe a certain fox.

Sonic pondered this new revelation for a while, as Tails wondered if he could lower the paper, because his arms were hurting. Wouldn't yours? ...oh, nevermind...

"We-ell..." Sonic said finally, "I'm just going to have to assume the paper is wrong. I'm holding my faith in Shadow, despite the fact that he was evil before and bears a grudge against me because I'm better than him."

There was a short break while Tails absorbed this new speech.

Then he threw the newspaper at Sonic.

"Fine! Don't blame me when this happens!" he shouted childishly, quoting from the Sonic Anime movie, and stomped away to do god-knows-what in his workshop. As usual. Aaaaaaaw...

Sonic promptly went into a sulk. After about five minutes he pulled the newspaper off his face and threw it over his shoulder, before lying down on the sun lounger and going to sleep. Shadow, who had been creeping up behind him, was promptly flattened by the paper whirling towards his face.

See! Throw litter in the bin, kids!

"Aaaaargh!!" he yelled, swiping at it and losing a lot of face. Though it didn't matter because Sonic hadn't been watching - only about a hundred passers-by, and nobody cares about them. At least, not until afterwards. The secret power of the media!

Well, anyway...

Shadow scrambled up, pointing at Sonic, and yelled furiously, "You may have won this time, but I WILL BE BACK!!!" Then he stormed off to be moody and plot on his revenge. Before suddenly remembering that he needed to steal the Master Emerald in order to get the Chaos Emerald off of Rouge, thus gaining an unfair advantage over Sonic.

So he walked off in a pointlessly random direction to find Angel Island. (Or Floating Island. Whichever you prefer)

And Sonic, who hadn't noticed anything, of course, started snoring.

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Flower: Very quick update - I post as I write for this one. (wink) I think this may be getting a bit funnier. Anyone have opinions?


	3. In which Knuckles is gullible

Chaos: Oh yeah! Disclaimer! (gasp) I should be sued for all the times I've haven't done a disclaimer! Anyway...Sonic the Hedgehog and all affiliated characters are copyrighted to Sega, Sonic Team. Also I do not own Pretzels. Though it would be cool if I did. (grin)

Flower: Review responses! Lookit, I got reviews! (dances)

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Sonicrules - No, Shadow isn't normally that pathetic, but...it's so much fun to write him that way! (laughs)

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Ryuko - Hi! Glad you like story. Especially sarcasm. Plenty of sarcasm. It's sort of a parody of games/stereotypes/fanfics and just random humour. Hee. I think you'll be surprised how the Knuckles scene turns out. (grin)

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Izzy - Isn't it fun when Shadow loses control? Heehee. Though, it's actually Sonic who finally freaks in this one.

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sprite-can - I like Tails too! But it's so much fun to make him throw a tantrum, and yet act all clever. Ah, I love writing this story!

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Sally - w00t, thanks!

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Kirbs - Yup, you're still freaked. (grins) Maybe you shouldn't still be reading.

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NM - (pokes) Yes, you should update. More often. Like me. Yes. Update now! (poke poke)

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Kemious - Wow, glad you think so! (dances) The first chapter wasn't so great, I agree. But I think it's getting better! In a random sort of way.

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Kitkat - (gasp) I can't believe you're reading one of my Sonic stories! (passes out) Well, Shadow is basically your overly-cool, was-evil-but-now-good character. Mmm, yes. He is also nothing like how he acts in this story. Heeheehee.

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Midnight el Gatito (or just midnight) **- **I'm glad you like it so much! (grin)

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Shade-the-hedgehog - Well, in case you hadn't noticed, Shadow is overly OOC and stupid in this story. i guess he got introduced to chocolate or something. (laugh)

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After about five painstaking hours that I'm too lazy to describe, Shadow made it onto Angel Island. He clawed his way over the edge, grinning OOCly despite the fact that he looked a mess.

He stood up and assumed a pose not unsimilar to the one from before - he was rather fond of it, actually - and pointed at the sky. "Haha! Who says hedgehogs can't fly!" Then he walked towards the centre of the Island, leaving a huge plothole behind him.

Of course he didn't know the way, not like in all those ridiculous games where the characters know exactly where to go through the forest and jungle and city and god-knows-what-else, so he promptly got lost.

Splat. He tripped over a tree root, slipped through a puddle, slid down a short slope, and landed on his face. "Hmm...that's the third time I've done that." he muttered, before finally coming to the inevitable conclusion...

"I'm going in circles!"

"Yes. It's quite amusing, actually." Shadow looked up in surprise at a vaguely familiar figure.

"Heeeeeeeey," he said eventually, "don't I...know you?"

Knuckles sighed and raised an eyebrow sarcastically. "No, I've never met you before in my life." Shadow shrugged innocently, though god knows how he managed it, not really being the innocent type. Except in soppy romances, and that's mostly angsting.

"Uh, ok. Hey, do you know where I can find a **Master Emerald**?"

"What if I do?" Knuckles said carefully, feeling quite proud of himself for managing to remain rather cool and in-character so far.

"I need to..."

Shadow was quite suddenly and unexpectedly hit with a bolt of genius! Ouch!

"...use it to neutrallise the Chaos Emeralds! Otherwise the world will...er...be taken over by rabid squirrels! And I'm the only one fast enough to get there in time!"

And Knuckles, being the gullible idiot he quite often is, fell for it.

__

later

"Bye, Shadow!" Knuckles yelled with a wave as Shadow jumped off the rapidly-falling Angel Island, which was soon to fall into the sea and quite probably disappear forever. But that's another story.

"Goodbye!" Shadow yelled politely, absently wondering how the stranger knew his name. Then he realised that he was falling to his doom with a quite fragile, but very heavy, Emerald in his arms.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

For the second time that morning, Sonic was disturbed from his sleep - and a rather interesting dream about hunting a wild pretzel. They can be dangerous when only wounded! - this time by a high-pitched scream from the sky.

...what? Well, have you ever heard Shadow scream? No? Ha! Well, in this story he screams like a girl, he he he.

Sonic had just opened his eyes, when he was promptly flattened by said screaming (and previously falling) object. He jumped up furiously, sending a rather dizzy Shadow and an amazingly-unbroken Emerald bouncing onto the sand.

"Would you people leave me alone for **five minutes**?! I mean, for god's sake!! I just want a little **nap**!!! AREN'T I ALLOWED **A LITTLE NAP**?!!!"

Shadow took his hands away from his ears and stared at Sonic for a few minutes.

"Heeeeeeeey," he said eventually, "don't I...know you?"

Sonic dumped his drink on Shadow's head and stormed off. After a few seconds, Shadow suddenly jumped to his feet, grinning. "I know! I have to **destroy Sonic the Hedgehog**!!!"

Sonic was, of course, long gone. So, Shadow sat on the Master Emerald and decided to sulk for a while. Which is a convenient point to end the chapter and go eat some pretzels. (grin)


	4. In which Rouge will need mental help

**Chaos: **Dear Lord, there's more. Run for your lives! But back to business, (of a strange kind) this chapter is actually my favourite so far, what with all the parody and unconnected lines. (grin) This whole humour thingy is a wide market; lookit all the reviews!

**Flower: **Enjoy, and Happy Easter! Review Responses!

**Amy Rose – **Heh heh heh, I'm glad Shadow doesn't know where I live… (shudder)

**SallytheRabbit – **Yay, everybody seems to like OOCness. (grin) Happy Easter to you!

**Mythica – **Thanks! I just love usurping characters and clichés and all the rest of it.

**SonicRules – **It can't be that good! (grin, sweatdrop) There're loads of stories better than this one!

**Mirage the Cat – **Jolt Soda, eh? (ponders upon the insanity that could ensue) I like that idea!

**Kirbs – **Still freaked out, huh?

**Midnight el Gatito – **Oh, you think Shadow was bad in the last chapter? (grins devilishly)

**Random Passerby – **Wowow, what a review! I was just looking for a word to describe myself and, oh yes, 'unique' is perfect. (grin) May this story continue forever and never accomplish anything! (salutes the story… and the hyper frame of mind that induces it)

**Chibi – **I guess Shadow is fun to torment because he's so goddamn unfunny. (grin) Hey, I'm glad you like it so far!

**Prince Izzy – **Mmm, cocktail sauce… (drool) … but anyway, glad you like. Hehe.

**TacoMonkey – **Everybody loves pretzels! (grin)

**Tarem – **Indeed, how do we describe Shadow's personality here? It's… well, um… interesting?

**SoMe fan – **Club Rouge is Rouge's club, from Sonic Battle. And how Shadow got onto the Island? (points to plothole in the last chapter)

**Littlefreakofnature – **Gotta love the pretzels!

**Dragonmaster Kyra – **If ffnet allowed chat format then _nowhere would be safe!_ (deranged laughter)

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Shadow had, upon realising that he could finally gain an unfair upper hand on Sonic, gone into an uber-uncharacteristic phase of happiness! Dear Lord, save us! Any and all passer-bys took one look at him skipping (YES, skipping) along the street, promptly panicked and began running in completely random directions.

Unfortunately this resulted in lots of accidents, mass destruction, and a medical bill a mile long. But we won't go into that...

Anyway, Shadow finally reached Night Babylon once again, warbling 'I'm singing in the rain' in a rather muffled kind of way from beneath the Master Emerald. Naturally, he failed to notice that it was still sunny beyond the cloud of bliss.

Rouge's nail varnish cracked.

She squealed in surprised shock... and then the awful sound reached her sensitive ears also. "Aaaaaargh! Make it stop!" she screamed, clutching her head. It sounded as though an entire herd of sheep were drunk, and were tumbling through a river while wearing helium masks.

(It may be noted at this point that Rouge has a rather over-active imagination.)

And, Rouge noted through the agony, the sound was coming closer. Gasp! The bat frantically scrabbled in her pocket for the earplugs which she kept with her for no apparent reason, and then darted for the baseball bat beneath the bar counter.

Shadow was just hitting a rather painful flat note - "I'm seeeeeeenging in the RAAAAAIN..." - when he kicked open the door of Club Rouge... and a large blunt object was brought down on top of him.

"Dieeeee!" Rouge yelled, for lack of a better phrase. An incredibly loud crash followed...

... and a rather surprised, not-very-dead Shadow was left holding the last fragments of the Master Emerald. There was a long, shocked silence. A piece of emerald clattered to the ground a few feet away.

Then Rouge started screaming.

"Taaaaaaails!"

Tails gave a muffled yelp of surprise, tried to sit up, and then remembered that he was lying underneath the Tornado II, repairing the wheels from the last Sonic-directed landing.

He muttered a swear word that a fox of his age shouldn't have known, rubbed his head, and then slid out and sat up properly.

"TAI- oh, there you are." Sonic said, pushing open the door with a bang that shook the room. Several delicate gadgets slipped off the shelves and plummeted to their doom.

Now Tails was _not_ in a good mood. "What do you want?" he said bluntly, rubbing some dust from his fur.

"Check it out!" Sonic chirped, holding out a shard of green. Tails took one look, paled as he recognised the Master Emerald, and promptly slid under the Tornado again.

"Oh, no, nonono, not another of your crazy adventures. Count me out!"

"Oh, Taaaaaails..." Sonic whined.

"No!"

"Go on."

"NO!"

"... I have pretzels..."

A wise move. A moment later Tails slid back into view, folding his arms and scowling. "Alright. But I want them in five equal monthly instalments."

And thus the Great Adventure begins! Sort of! In a mild, bribe-induced way!

…

Oh, forget it.


End file.
